20 things as a cashier, that really piss me off.

1. No one cares about your exact change.. I can count faster then you can dig through your bottomless pit of a purse/pocket. Stop acting like an idiot. 

I mean really? Is it necessary? I know you want to stop carrying all that change in your pocket. I know it's heavy, but don't they have things in your car that you can dump your change into? Or if you aren't driving, there are change purses. Or better yet, DONATE IT! Lots of places have things you can dump your change into if you really don't want to carry it. I know with the economy, every penny counts at home. Use jars at home for the end of the day, and dump it in there. Then, after it fills, take it to the bank and change it in for cash. Do something with it. Anything! I don't care. But no. People have to stand there, bitching about how long a line will take, and then when it's their turn, they stand there fumbling around in pockets and purses to get 23 cents so they get a full dollar back. Is the change going to just magically create a sink hole one day and drag you down into it? I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But I'm a pretty damn fast cashier, and by the time you dig out that change, I've already got your 20$ bill broken down and handed back to you. It doesn't really bother me if you're the only person in line, but when you can clearly see I have 7 people behind you, be courteous. Get your shit, and get out. 

2. I'm not your therapist. You don't give a shit about my personal life, so stop telling me about yours. I'm just a cashier.

It's pretty inevitable that when I'm cashiering, someone is going to ask me how my day has gone, how are you, etc. I try to keep it simple by saying something like, Peachy keen, jelly bean, wonderful, or some other such bullshit, when deep inside me I wanna say, IT'S BEEN A FUCKED UP DAY! But I don't, because the last thing someone spending 3 minutes in my line needs to hear, is about my problems. Especially since they don't know me, and that could get kinda awkward. Then, I have to do the follow up question, and I always mentally cringe.. "How are you?". The floodgates have opened. I hear about divorces, marriages, kids, parents, animals, neighbors, work, and even body issues. I start getting asked questions like, "What do you think?" NO! NO! I don't think! I'm just mindlessly booping your merchandise and taking your cash. My conversation with you should be done by the time I hand you your receipt, but instead I find myself nodding my head and getting swept up in Uncle Bob's hernia surgery and Grandma Bertie's surprise baby at 40. There's no need for that! Next time, I'm telling someone about pin worms. 

3. We don't do free babysitting.. stop dropping your brats off at the door and letting them tear shit up, or I'm coming to your house and doing the same.

Ok, I like children. I'll even go so far as to say I love them. Sometimes. Better yet when they go home. Seriously people, the next time your child is left unattended, I'll round it up and stick it in a cage with  a for sale sign. I one time saw a sign at a store that said, "Children left unattended will be sold to Gypsies." I think that's a wonderful idea. 

4. If you can put it in your cart, you can take it out. Don't make me stop what I'm doing when I'm the only person there to take your crap out. Quit being lazy. Dumbass.

The only exception to this rule, I feel, are the elderly, the disabled, and the pregnant. Or a person with broken hands. I really don't mind helping someone take stuff out of their cart, it's just that when I see someone perfectly capable of removing it being lazy, like I'm there to wipe their ass personally, it really ticks me off.

5. I think I know my prices better then you do, and what I have in my store. If you know so much more then me, take my job. No, seriously, take it.

I think I covered that one pretty well there.

6. Don't give me that line of, "Do you know who I am?" No, I don't, and I don't care either.. Do you know who I am? Your intimidation tactics are: FAIL!

I covered that one pretty well, too. This isn't a movie, there's no one around to go, "OMG, she's a big shot." No, I'm sorry, but you're lame. I don't care who you are, what you or your husband/wife does, parents, Aunt's, Uncle's, Cousin's, Next door neighbors dog does. Probably shits on your lawn when they walk by. Just because YOU think you're something, doesn't mean others perceive you the same way. Pull your head from your ass and walk on. 

7. Snobbery and temper tantrums get you no where. I don't care. You're just showing me how much of an idiot you are. Don't give me that temptation...

Because after enough bullshit, I will point it out. 

8. If I'm outside, smoking a cigarette.. that means I am on break. DO NOT DISTURB! I'm not required to be nice anymore... I will use force if necessary! 

Usually I'll just ignore you, but if you continue to pester me, I might use force.

9. Don't ask me "Do you work here?" when I'm A: behind the register B: stocking shelves and C: wearing a company shirt. I will tell you "NO".

Which I have done a few times. I still laugh about that every time it happens. You deserved it. Dumbass. 

10. GET OFF YOUR F@#$ING CELL PHONE!!!

GET OFF YOUR F@#$ING CELL PHONE!!! God, that's rude. My parents always taught me to not talk to someone when they are talking to someone else. Don't interrupt. Out of respect for you, I won't tell you what your total is, ask for a rewards card that could save you money, point out the return policy, or even tell you to have a nice day. That would be interrupting, and that would be rude.

11. It's really rude when you hand out crumpled bills, throw them on the counter, then expect the change to go into your palm. I'm not a dog, I don't fetch. Next time, I'm throwing that shit across the counter. :)

GOD I'D LOVE TO REALLY DO THAT!! But, I know what it feels like to have someone throw something at you unexpectedly. 

12. We are not a bank! When the store opens, DON'T BRING ME A 100$ BILL! I'll send your ass across the street. Same thing goes for refunds. Cuz then I get the attitudes and the snobbery and tantrums, and I'll have to use rule # 7.

How stupid are you really to think that a store would be able to cash that large of a bill when it first opens. Some places have signs that say, No bills (enter numerical number here) after specific time. I think everyone should have one for opening too. Refunds as well. If you have a 80$ purchase, don't refund it first thing in the morning. Most stores are open 12 hours a day, I'm sure you can find at least 5 minutes of your day to bring something in that doesn't require it to be 30 seconds after the doors open. Unless we have a long line, and there's only one cashier, in which case.. You're fuuuuuuuuuucked!

13. Just cuz you've seen me at work, doesn't mean that I'm the same way OFF THE CLOCK. If you see me outside of work, don't expect me to be the same as when I'm there, getting paid to deal with your crap.

I HAVE to be nice to people on the clock, it's my job. When I'm not at work, you get to take your chances. 

14. Do I look like I work at Walmart? Seriously? I don't know what they have, how much it is, and where it's located. Same thing for every other store.

 I don't run into this to often, but when I do, it's because I've suggested to someone that this place might just have the item they are looking for. Now, in that case, the blame falls on me. I should just keep my big mouth shut

15. Read your return policy. Throw something at me again, and I'll throw it back at you. Dick.

That's right, I've had things thrown at me. Not just little things either, but vases, books, metal wall art, candles, toothbrush holders, plastic cups, plant pots, lunch boxes, etc. Most every place has a return policy. If you can't find it or don't know it, please, don't be afraid to ask. We're not REQUIRED to tell it to you, but for some things we will. However, if one more things flies across the counter at me.. you're shit out of luck buddy. There is only so much a cashier can do, and some things are just out of our control. But since we are the "face" of the company, we also get the shit for it. Not all places have awesome return policies like Kohl's, and we can't just super cede the policy and procedures of things. Unless you're planning to feed and house me, then sure, I'll get fired over your 2$ candle.

16. When it's closing time, that means I wanna go home. I'm not getting paid anymore. So no, I will not wait another 10 minutes while you shop. We've been open 12 hours.. wtf have you been doing?

The only reason why I mention this is we have a Dr here in our small town that is notorious for showing up at 2 minutes to closing time on her cell phone, and wanting to shop for an hour like we all have nothing better to do then to wait on her. It drives me nuts. Her excuse was, "I only have this time of the day to shop". Well, Walmart is open 24/7, go there. You're telling me that you only have the two minutes before we close at 9 o'clock to shop? Now, in all fairness, she has a non working husband and 5 kids, I'd want to get out too. 

17. If you're gonna walk all the way over to where we store the carts, don't just push it towards them, take the extra 5 steps and tuck it into another cart.

This has to be my biggest pet peeve. You walk ALL THE WAY over to the carts, and can't take the extra steps to push the cart in. NOOO! Heaven forbid! This way, the carts get all jumbled up, locked together in some weird ass voodoo maze, and I can't get out from behind my service desk to fix it. Especially if you're that person that has the ONE bag, you're telling me you can't tuck your cart in? RAWR!

18. Just because the aisles are wider now, doesn't mean you can stop there and have a conversation with someone else. People are trying to shop/work/get through. This also goes for the parking lot. You deserve to get hit by a truck if you're standing out in the middle of the road. 

Enough said. 

19. If you see me with a cart full of stuff, stocking shelves, and/or have the aisle blocked off, that isn't an invitation to come over and rifle through my crap or wander around like the village idiot.

Why? WHY?! 

20. Stop swiping your card before it's time. I'm just gonna stand there until you're done. When I'm ready, I'll let you know.

Walmart, and maybe some other places, have the neatest invention ever in their card machines. The customer gets to swipe before hand, and by the time they are done, so is the cashier, usually. I think this is a wonderful thing to have and that all places should have it. But alas, they do not. Therefore, please wait until instructed further, before taking it upon yourself to swipe your card through the machine like a mad person with some kind of unheard of swiping disease. I find it rather funny personally, until the customer starts bitching about how their card isn't working in the machine and that I need to fix it. No, it's not the machine, it you. Unheard of concept, I know, but we can not all be as amazingly awesome as you are.